by Marc Adams

I grew up in a Christian home.  My father is a Baptist minister.  My parents raised all of their kids according to what they believed God desired and how the Bible instructed.

Yet, at age four, I found myself feeling different. 

Ten years later, I found out that feeling of being different, that crush on Stephen in third grade and the nighttime fantasies that I hoped no one would ever know about, were part of my life because I was “struggling with homosexuality.”  Like the vast majority of gay people I know, I had not been sexually molested by anyone, there was no older man seducing me and I wasn’t trying to bond with a male to make up for some parental loss.

At fifteen, I was depressed and suicidal because I thought I was going to go to Hell if I didn’t overcome my sin.  I would beg God to take my life while I slept so that I wouldn’t get another day closer to disappointing him.

A year later, I graduated from my ACE Christian high school (Sweet Valley Christian Academy, Sweet Valley, PA), I made my way to (Jerry Falwell’s) Liberty University.  I was partly going there to study TV Production and Advertising but I was mostly there to try to find a way to rid myself of my homosexuality.

I had heard Jerry many times on television talking about how God could change people’s behavior from homosexual to heterosexual.

I realized shortly after arriving on campus that I would risk getting expelled if I exposed my secret to anyone at that school.  I was given quite a bit of encouragement and counseling from a now defunct organization in Texas called Last Days Ministries (run by the widow of Christian singer Keith Green).

I was told that God did not hate me because I had this struggle.  I was told that I needed to live my life as godly as possible.  I needed to turn from my sin in every area of my life including my struggle with homosexuality.  I was not promised that I would be “cured” of my homosexuality but rather it would be something I would have to face down everyday just like every other type of sin.

I was almost promised that there would be times I would fall off the wagon.  But I was counseled that I would need to pull myself together and get back on the wagon as quickly as I could and continue on with my journey.

At the beginning of my senior year, many things happened to me in my life.  As a result of some unrelated things happening to me, I started questioning why I was attempting to change my behavior.

I knew I had spiritual reasons for changing my behavior but I wondered if I would still be attempting to change my behavior if I didn’t have a religious faith.

The answer always came back yes.  I realized that the only reason I was trying to change my behavior was because I had a need to be accepted.  I had to be accepted by God or I felt I couldn’t live.  I had to be accepted by my parents or I couldn’t live.

Throughout all the years I struggled with my identity, I had never once thought about accepting myself.  I had been listening to spiritual leaders for two decades speak for God.  And in doing so, I had never developed what many people might think is common sense to just accept myself.

I didn’t have anyone telling me what to do or what not to do.  I wish that I had found someone to give me some guidance on how to accept myself as a gay person.  But I found no one to help me.   So I started listening to my own heart and learned how to do it myself.

Everyone that I know who has ever tried reparative, restorative or ex-gay therapy has told me that they are doing it for acceptance from God, their family or friends.  My heart breaks every time I see one of my gay brothers or sisters wasting months and years of their lives trying to convince themselves and others that they are acceptable because they have reached some form of heterosexuality.

But its just like everything else, in our society and especially in many religious faiths, acceptance is paramount.  Like I once was, everyone is afraid they will be lost without acceptance.

Even though I know that through the years, eventually everyone going through what I went through comes to a point of self acceptance, what haunts me is the wasted years.  The time that could have been spent living life, serving others and experiencing love and personal freedom from the chains of self-induced slavery.

That’s why I write the books I write.  That’s why I do the work that I do.  I believe that if I can be the guidance for someone…the guidance that no one gave me… that I might just make the world a brighter place to be.  If, every day, I find that just one of my gay brothers or sisters has rid themselves of the need for acceptance and found personal peace, then I have done more than I ever thought possible. 

You are not alone.  If you are struggling with gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered feelings, you need to know that there are millions of us who have been on the same journey.  You are not alone.  You do not have to believe what are you being told about yourself in your counseling or restorative therapy.  If you need to talk to someone who has been there and made it out alive, just email me.  I respond to every email.   Real peace and real happiness are there.  Just reach for them.